hap·pi·ness

ˈhapēnis/

 noun: happiness; plural noun: happinesses

the state of being happy (content, fulfilled, satisfied, cheerful, jovial, light-hearted or joyful).

We are all striving to be happy with ourselves, and the life we have before us. If only we had a soul mate, job or home of our dreams, or made enough money, then, we could be truly happy.

Realizing our dreams can make us happy. But, most of us find out that the fulfillment from achieving goals endures no longer than the time it takes for the next unmet need or desire to come up and disturb our state of well being.

To be truly happy, I mean the kind of happiness that persists no matter which desires arise or ill winds come our way, we have to become happy with ourselves, rather than solely from the things we have achieved. True happiness comes from the growth that comes from learning about our selves and unfolding our natural talents, abilities, desires and needs from this process. The authentic life that we are able to forge of work, family, and friendships gives a depth of well being that rises upward from our core.

Hence, the answer is not happiness just for the sake of happiness. It is rather the happiness that results from seeing ourselves learning, growing, and realizing more of our true selves in everyday life.

The seven steps that follow help us to become truly happy. We grow in self-acceptance and self-knowledge, and true happiness is a strong buffer against negative stressors that threaten to bring us down.

1. Accept contradictions in yourself and in other people. The older we get, hopefully, the wiser we become. Experience shows us that we are a mix of needs, desires, beliefs and values that at times contradict each other. This is the way of human nature. We are innately ambiguous. None of us are loving or hateful, active or passive all the time, for example. Tendencies of behavior can give way to the pressures of circumstance that may bring up features of personality that surprise us. The more we appreciate ambiguity in ourselves and other people, the less internal fight we have with ourselves. This doesn’t mean that we tolerate bad behavior in us or other people. It simply means that we acknowledge that contradictions of nature exist in all of us. This awareness helps us to understand human complexity, so that we are not shortsighted when it comes to understanding and coping with behavior. We become less rigid, self-righteous and critical with ourselves and other people, when we accept this truth about human nature.

2. Enjoy differences between people rather than fear them. I was reflecting the other day upon the enjoyment I take from learning how people think about their lives: the choices they make, the dreams they choose to fulfill, and the various meanings they give to personal experience. We are all striving to find true happiness and find so many different ways to express it in our lives. Rather than criticize or devalue such differences, I celebrate them. Imagine the contentment I feel when I choose to think about differences in this way!

3. Bring more of your true talents and abilities into your everyday life. The truly happiest people I know are people whose inner life is reflected in their work, relationships and activities. They have created a lifestyle that supports their real talents and desires. When we find ourselves in relationships, job or activities that run against who we really are, we become unhappy. None of us are living all of who we really are in our everyday lives. The idea here is that the more our true selves are reflected in our daily lives, the happier we become.

4. Choose rather than react to circumstance. The more we take time to pause and reflect on our thoughts and feelings before we react to circumstance, the greater chance we will make decisions that better service our needs as well as the needs of others.

5. Challenge yourself with new experiences. When little changes in our lives day-in-day-out, we become unhappy campers. We are truly happy when we keep learning and growing. We find life interesting and stay engaged with the living process. It doesn’t matter if the challenge is small or large. It can be joining a book club, traveling abroad, learning a new language, or entering therapy for the first time. What matters to true happiness is that we see life as interesting enough to keep exploring.

6. Rely on knowledge gained by personal experience rather than the opinions of others. We come to certain truths about living by way of personal experience. The more we depend upon other’s opinions and ways of doing things for our happiness, the unhappier we become. True happiness comes from the self-confidence we gain in what we know and believe through learning.

7. Discover personal meanings that release you from past conflicts and positively move you forward in life. How we view life happenings is up to us alone. We can see events in ways that keep us stuck in the past or find the silver-livings in life happenings that liberate us from past disappointment and hurt and move us positively toward the future. When we grasp the power of meaning making in our lives, we know how to make ourselves truly happy.

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To a life of true happiness my friends. Thank you for your continued friendship and support. Warm regards, Deborah