Are You Sleeping with an Enemy?

How do you know when you start dating a person if he or she will become an abusive lover? By abuse, I mean any behavior that is intended to tie you so deeply to them that it may seem as if your next breath depends upon their love for you and presence in your life.

If you are feeling or have felt this way in love, you may have been taken hostage by an enemy lover who wants to possess and control you completely. You may not be in a normal relationship that is made up of two self-ruling human beings.

If you, a once self-confident, self-determined person are slowly becoming a needy, depressed, and insecure human being in your romantic relationship–your lover may be an enemy to your psychological well-being and the integrity of your soul.

Enemy lovers want to possess and control you completely. To do this, they wear you down emotionally and physically, weaken your self-confidence, and break down your spirit. They make you believe that you cannot exist without them. They make you insecure either through rejecting behaviors, like not talking to you or disappearing altogether for hours or days or through outright physical aggression. Not all enemy lovers want to actually kill you, like Julia Robert’s husband did in the 1991 movie, Sleeping with the Enemy.  They will “kill” you more softly with their words and rejection, as the song aptly says. If you fight back emotionally and show any sign of gaining emotional strength—they come out fighting all the harder, to make sure you don’t do this again.

What it means to be left by you is the key to understanding an enemy lover. To be left by you is a risk of being humiliated and abandoned. This is what they fear the most. Once upon a time, they felt hostage to a parent who undermined their self-determination.

Review the checklist below, to see if your lover may be an enemy to your well-being and spirit.

1. At the start of the relationship, you are loved with such intensity that you feel as if you are Cleopatra and he is your Mark Anthony or vice versa. You are basking in the glow of what seems to be your greatest ally.

2. The enemy lover dominates every waking moment of your life, at the start of a relationship, to the point where you stop seeing family and friends, fulfilling daily responsibilities, and carrying out your normal routine.

3. You begin to play down or soften your points of view, especially if they upset your lover.

4. You get very depressed, unable to function without him or her.

5. You act needy, groveling for his or her attention to the point where you disgust yourself.

Know that many people encounter an enemy lover in their lives. I have treated so many people in the past with this experience that I’ve come to think of it as a rite of love passage. Yes, a rite of passage to learning the difference in healthy versus unhealthy relating. And, I too have had an experience like this when I was in my early twenties.  And, let me tell you, he cured me of the pattern forever!

I’d love to hear your thoughts and experience on the topic?


33 Responses to “Are You Sleeping with an Enemy?”

  1. Dr Debbie, I'm glad you're drawing attention to this scary pattern in romantic relationships. It's sad for me to watch somebody allow this to happen to them. Hopefully this blog will inspire lovers to hold onto themselves and their own identity.

    • avatar Marie Moyers says:

      The desperation to be loved by someone who is solely devoted to you who thinks that the sun rises and sets because of your existence has been instilled into our society as true love through the social media to the point of hysteria.

      • avatar drdeborahkhoshaba says:

        There is an unrealistic portrayal of true love in the media, so that some people find normal relating boring. A lot of heartache comes out of such portrayals.

  2. avatar sib says:

    I am exactly in such kind off relation its exactly like same but with some difference in point 4 and 5. No doubt I am experiencing major depression but with hateness and fear now regarding my husband. Being fearful of some one makes you to not share your life and your routine, and thinks like hundreds times before even saying something out to him, and definitely not do stupid things to seek his attention, rather want him dont bother me much. plus it made me too much conscious and paranoid.

    • avatar Dr. Deborah Khoshaba says:

      Hello, I’m sorry that you are in this kind of relationship, because it’s so hurtful to your heart, mind and spirit. Of course you are depressed and feel fear and hate toward him. These are normal responses to what is happening to you. Yes, it does make you withdraw. It’s like what happens to women are experience some type of domestic violence. Can you get some help? Is there your mother or sister or some other family member who may help you? I recommend strongly that you seek some professional guidance.

      Thank you for sharing this with me. I did not use your name specifically so you no one can see who you are. Reading articles like mine can at least help you to understand that you are not alone and that what is happening to you is not your imagination. Blessings to you dear. I am hoping that you can get the help you need to know what is the best way to help you. Warmly Deborah.

  3. avatar Catherine says:

    oh, so true! can you do an article on gas lighting?

    • avatar Dr. Deborah Khoshaba says:

      Thank you Catherine. I will certainly do something on this in the future. Thank you for visiting and I look forward to seeing you here again. Warmly Deborah.

  4. avatar Kim says:

    Thank you for the post. That checklist is my relationship. I fully recognize I am in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship; but I can’t leave. Why can’t I leave? I have been doing so much reading on this type of abuse and, more specifically, a relationship with a narcissistic man. I never knew of the disorder NPD until I started doing my research. I used to be such a strong, successful, happy woman and I am now not able to even run an errand without him accusing me of lying and doing something “bad”. I purposely have started not seeing friends because if I ever got a lunch, dinner or a drink with a friend, my boyfriend claims I am not trustworthy and a terrible person. I met a friend for dinner after work this week to try to keep my spirits up and after ONE HOUR, he texted me and said “it’s been an hour, how much longer are you trying to stay out”. Is spending one hour with a friend wrong? If I was partying crazy until 2am, I understand that a significant other could get worried or mad. But spending an hour at dinner on a weeknight? Why do I let him do this to me? Why can he bring me down? I find myself apologizing for normal life happenings (such as seeing a friend for an hour).

    How can I move forward and just walk away? Why can’t I? I am damaged and I want to start re-building my self and my life…

    • avatar Dr. Deborah Khoshaba says:

      Hello Kim, good to see you here today. I’m sorry that you have to even endure this Kim. But, in a strange way, it may be the relationship that frees you forever to find true love with a person who is capable of loving–rather than taking hostages. You know Kim, there’s a saying with people who are narcissistic, “They don’t have relationships, they take hostages.” I’m sure you understand this saying first hand, right?

      My goodness the systematic way he has lowered your self-esteem is like you are a prisoner being interrogated and beaten down emotionally. It is wonderful that your spirit has not been torn down enough to keep you from learning about the type of relationship that you are in. Congratulations Kim. That you even have to ask me (even rhetorically) if spending time with friends is a sin tells how he wants to control and possess you.

      Kim, you have to see, there’s really no other way than to get out. You will when you’ve had enough. You may be having a hard time leaving the abusive relationship just like battered women have a hard time leaving their abusers. You are hanging on the good times, despite that they are few relative to the pain and suffering.

      Kim, if it’s possible for you, I’d get a little therapy to help you to leave. It sounds like you are doing a good job getting the information you need to understand and to strengthen yourself once again. But you may need a little more support, to give you the courage to get out. You take good care of yourself Kim. And, remember, there is nothing more important than the integrity and health of your mind, heart and spirit. Protect this before you will protect anything that does not serve it well. Warmly Deborah.

  5. avatar Bella says:

    My husband is all the things mentioned above…I’m stuck, I have 3 kids, all very young.
    I feel like I’m in a fog, I can’t talk back to him, it’s just worse, he nit picks at me everyday, in Worn out and very tired, all I care about is my kids. So I take it do he doesn’t make a scene and upset the kids. I saw a therapist once behind his back, the therapist told me to get out if I can…he controls everything, my finances our household. I’m not allowed to wash the fishes or do laundry till after 7pm to conserve money…he has gps on my phn to see where I am, we have joint visas so he knows how much I spend.. The list is endless. Do you have advise for someone that is married to a man that everyone thinks is really nice but is actually a mean aggressive man. Feeling hopeless.

    • avatar Dr. Deborah Khoshaba says:

      Hello, it does sound like you are being very controlled and more a hostage than a partner in the relationship. I do think it was good for you to go to a therapist to help you. Is it possible that you can do this again, to get the support you need? What matters is what you know about him and the style of your relationship, rather than what other people think. It is normal to feel depressed and hopeless when you are being controlled so much. Essentially, it sounds by your description that he doesn’t want you to even think for yourself. This down the road is bad for your children to see as well. Do you have a parent or other family member who understands what is happening?

      Bella, I don’t know the details of your situation so it is hard for me to give you specific direction. But, I think the best way I can help you today is to encourage you again to see a therapist so you can decide what to do and get the support you need to get out if this is needed. Best to you dear. I’m sorry I could not give you more advice today. Take good care. Warm regards Deborah.

    • avatar Georgina says:

      Please tell everyone who you have as real friends, even though they may not believe you, get him set up, record a conversation, he will not have a clue. I did it. I was scared. Do it, before you end up like me. Please! He is a psychopath, and not even got a soul. I am nearly 50. My abuser, Brough more abusers, as the Devil, and evil filth, just tell them. Record him. Play it to yourself and don’t let him know ANYTHING about it. Please xxx
      Everything he is (a lie) is not You. Don’t do what I did. I stayed. But, I paid with my friends, parents, family, he beat me up, he drove me to mental illness, he gave me a venereal disease and blamed it on me, and raped me, after I had been raped by his friend, who I didn’t know until now that he had been through my mobile phone. I was made pregnant. My faith was compromised because I was forced to abort my baby. I got C3 cervical cancer. He left me to go through treatment alone. He killed my baby, he had genital warts. He made a good
      Feel so much agonising guilt and then destroyed everything…broke my bones…encouraged rapists, to do that. Raped me. Made himself look like the good guy! God knows how! I know now. Guilt. They don’t know what guilt feels like as they don’t have any emotional landscape in their dead cold cadaverous entities. Facts.
      I’m nearly 50. Get evidence and get everything and everyone to see before it gets worse. God bless you and keep hope and love for you xxx Georgina xxx

  6. avatar Susan says: described my husband in this article. I’m in the process of a divorce he’s not only a narcissist he’s abusive, a sex addict, alcoholic, and I had 2 therapist point these out also one said I was married to a maniac that woke me up. My therapist said my husband had no rational thoughts I got out. I feel for anybody who comes across a person like this. He drove me crazy, rejected me, withheld affection, finaces and we were newlyweds. He would everyday say he told me things like his work, travel schedule, or ask about my day when he didn’t.

    • avatar Dr. Deborah Khoshaba says:

      Hello Susan, oh I’m glad the article accurately described him but sad you had to live through this. I’m sure you have heard of the term gas lighting Susan? Remember, the guys who tried to make Ingrid Bergman in the movie Gaslight think she was crazy? I know it takes time to heal from this behavior, as it is emotional abuse. Susan, I wrote a recent article you may want to look at called – Behaviors that Weaken Attachment and Destroy Relationships. I talk about many behaviors and gas lighting is one of them. You take good care of yourself and heal. I know you must feel hurt and pain but to leave this person is a blessing. Warm regards Deborah.

  7. avatar marie says:

    I fell in love and married one. When that ended I dated another one. And then yet another. I stayed “stuck” on the last one. He was the perfect “trigger”, meaning he represented all the toxic key players from my childhood. Through extensive therapy in order to heal from traumatic stress, I realize I tried to fix my issue with the men from my childhood through this one man. As a child I was powerless. As an adult I was stronger, smarter, and more powerful. Right? No. I was extremely vulnerable and nurturing. I was just the right target. As I started to heal, things became worse. The more I appealed to him to join me in a healthier relationship, the crazier things became. I almost got sucked into the pit of darkness forever if it were not for my incredible relationship with God and the help of the therapist. I now know the only one who has a chance to help the narcissist is God, if the narcissist is even open to it. Usually they don’t think there is anything wrong with them. They view them self as being “wronged”. The lies prevent any attempt at seeing the truth of the effect of their actions on those who happen to love them. Those of us who love them hang on and hope our love will save the day. Instead we grow older and weary, losing out on real love. I will never have another one. I worked through all my issues with this one. He was helpful from that perspective. I pushed against him and into the opposite direction of what felt “normal” to me and found myself. I still have feelings of love for him. However, I do not have to act on my emotions. I turn my feelings into prayers for healing. It helps me to have compassion and not bitterness. I feel a sense of sadness for him and I pray that one day the right circumstances will bring him to the end of himself and to the beginning of God.

    • avatar Dr. Deborah Khoshaba says:

      Hello Marie, yes, you say it very well—“they are all the toxic key players from your childhood family relationships.” I can see by your wisdom and insights here how much you have worked on yourself. And, therapy and your faith was exactly what you needed to understand the narcissistic patterns and ways to avoid becoming a target for these damaging people. These types of narcissists are lethal, as you know. They just don’t ignore your needs–they tend to annihilate people’s self-esteems.

      And, yes, they have teflon defenses more than any of us without these types of defenses can imagine. that’s why they are so damaging because they don’t feel like us and cannot step into another person’s shoes, as well as feel guilt.

      I’m sorry that you had to go through all of this. Thank you for sharing this with us today. Your experience, dedication to your psychological and spiritual growth will help people who are reading this find their way too. Warmly Deborah.

  8. avatar janet says:

    Im 29 years old and a mother of 3 kids I been in a 13year relationship on and off with the father of my kids never married.These days I find my self lonely, angry, distant,in need of emotional connection . He’s always e working and I became too dependent of him. Which plays a big role in my anger.How can I wake up from this nightmare and grasp myself before I loose the little identity I have left??

    • avatar Dr. Deborah Khoshaba says:

      Hi Janet, I can appreciate your loneliness and anger. We partner with a person because we want to emotionally connect, learn and grow with them in life. Janet, it seems that you have done a lot of soul searching already, which probably brought you to this article. You feel he’s become an enemy of a type. Even though you are helping yourself, let me recommend that you see a counselor if you haven’t already. I’m suggesting this so you can get the emotional support that you need to think through what you want for yourself for the rest of your life. You have a right to be happy and although relationships are difficult they shouldn’t cause such pain that our self worth is being damaged. Take good care. You are about to enter your 30’s and there’s so much life ahead of you and your children Janet. Choose wisely. Warmly Deborah.

  9. avatar FK says:

    I am stuck with this guy and unfortunately married to him since 10 years now, have 3 kids the youngest one is 1.5 yrs . Now I have realized that I have wasted my life to make him happy and satisfied although he has just used me as a ladder to grow , I am a working lady and earning almost double the salary but still I have to listen to his abusive and insulting talks daily , although im managing my house and job and kids well than any other housewife but still im not doing any remarkable thing . My self respect and self esteem is almost killed by him very brutally, but im unable to do anything because of my kids …. I feel helpless sometimes but then I pray to Allah that he will give him guidance . Now at this point of life I have no internal feelings for him there is no emotions for him ….. I have found a true love of my life and wanted to marry him but before that I need to get divorce ,but I am double minded at times when I think that if my kids don’t adjust with the new person and they will miss there real father then I would be in more pain then I am now. Please give me some advice how can I gain my confidence back and is it better to leave or to stay . Thanks

    • avatar Dr. Deborah Khoshaba says:

      Hello FK, sorry for the short delay in responding to you. I believe that if we have learned something valuable to our own life and development then it was not a waste of time. But, surely, I understand how sometimes our lessons are hard on us and our loved ones. I have had one or two of those in my life too. Know that we have all been there. I have a very good article on seven steps to start to love yourself. I will post the link here for you, if you have not already read it. I also have an article on making decisions as to whether it is good to leave or stay. But, let me say that check in your heart to see what is really right for you. It is good that you are thinking about your children as well. When you make this decision, keep in mind if your children have to see their mother’s self-esteem be violated and be witness to continuous fighting, this is not good for them. Children need a peaceful household so they can think, learn, and be loved without being traumatized every day by their parent’s fighting. May I recommend that if you decide to divorce your husband, maybe you should wait to bring another man into your home. It’s okay to date him, but your children need time to heal and you need to know if this new person is really right for you before you expose your children to him. I hope this helps you think through the problem. Warm regards to you and your children. Deborah.
      Here are the links that I promised you:

  10. avatar Claire says:

    Hello, I spent two years of my life dating a guy who I can now say has all the traits of a narcissist. He broke up with me several times during fights but kept coming back and I was miserable every time, so we got back together every time. He broke up with me “for good” once, only to come back after a month and again, I was missing him so much, I knew my feelings were genuine so I got back with him trusting his feelings were real and he would change because he loved me (that’s what he said) only to be dumped a month after.

    Overall, my relationship was based on me asking (desperately) for his attention and me tending to his needs. I felt abandoned, yet never had the strength to leave him and now, and the only thing he kept reminding me, was how much he loved me, despite the fact that his actions didn’t really show that. Today, even when I can look back and identify how bad this relationship was for me, I keep wondering if he will realize how good and how genuine my feelings were for him, how poorly he behaved and how much he misses me. Will he come back? How can I forget him for good?

    • avatar Dr. Deborah Khoshaba says:

      Hi Claire, yes, you are so right that with narcissists relationships are built on tending to their needs. Well said. Claire, when we feel so hurt and traumatized by a relationship, it’s actually harder to let it go. We are left with so many unanswered questions. But, also, it goes against our good sense that a person may not be present to our love. We love and think others will respond to it because we love; but people with personality disorders, like narcissism doesn’t permit for this. It’s so hard to wrap our minds around because we operate so differently.

      Sometimes people who are apt to fall for narcissists are searching to be validated by a significant person from the past (mother, father, other caretaker). So, when we say to ourselves about our lovers, “Don’t they know I loved them?” We may be asking not only them but caretakers from our past. Whatever the situation is for you, know that I know how hard it is to break the connection to these types of persons.

      Dare to break the link Claire. There’s a saying I love — it takes courage to be happy. There’s the right person out there for you. FYI, there’s a wonderful page on Facebook called After Narcissistic Abuse. You may already know it. But if not, it’s a great community of people who share their experiences and help each other to let go and heal. It’s a constructive site. Take a look at it if you haven’t already. Best to you Claire. I know you can let go and heal. Warmly Deborah.

  11. avatar Susan says:

    This is going to sound like the craziest thing you’ve ever heard! I was in a narcassist relationship actually living with him! I moved out 7 months ago and still have contact with him as I was truly stupid in believing all his statements that he would stop drinking and he wanted to change but it has always gone back to the same old bs! He has tried to control me even while living apart from him! He actually ran his van into my garage and destroyed it! Tonight I was suppose to work and called off but didn’t tell him! He drove by my place and then my place of work and then text me it was an emergency to call him! Then when I did he acted as something terrible had happened and then was like I know you’re not at work! So this started a whole slue of things! Let me back up here for a minute and tell you I just buried my mother in Jan and I lost my job but then gained a job on nights as a nurse! It is killing me physically to work this shift and obviously the loss of my mom that I haven’t even grieved for due to the fact I’m also in school advancing my degree! So I am so vulnerable right now and trying to hold it together! I never had plans of ever moving back with him and why I couldn’t let go completely when I walked out the door is beyond me! I guess with no parents now and my life changing completely I feel lost! I just don’t even have the words to describe how I feel! I am such a proactive person that will do anything to make it through and I have no desire to do anything except sulk in m own misery! I have severe panic attacks and I just cannot get myself out of this! I know he is destructive for me and he will never change! He is actually crazy! Certifiable crazy! A sociopath! How do I move on from all of these traumatic events that have recently happened? How do I not want to just crawl in a hole and die? How do I make my world the happy place it used to be?

    • avatar Dr. Deborah Khoshaba says:

      Hello Susan, first, I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. To lose a parent is one of the hardest things we ever have to encounter in life and to have to grieve her loss and then lose your job is just unfair. But, of course, we know life isn’t fair.

      Susan, what you say about him is not the craziest thing I’ve ever heard when it comes to these sleeping with the enemy type of relationships. They are tumultuous and scary at times. We can become addicted to the chaos. So your difficulty breaking off with him for good also isn’t surprising. Attachment to trauma and drama is more difficult that normal attachments, as our identity and self-esteem gets very eroded in these types of relationships along with our defenses. I hope you don’t mind me suggesting that you seek counseling or some sort. You need a professional to support you and help you to get out of this relationship that is just taking time out of your life and putting you at emotional and perhaps physical risk. Yes, you are right. This type of person doesn’t even change easily with psychological help. So do what your gut tells you and get the support you need to get out. I’m with you Susan. Take good care of yourself. Warmly Deborah.

  12. avatar mary says:

    Hi my son is in relationship like this and has a daughter with her she is one and he has to lie about seeing me i only see my granddaughter if she is present and i am so hurt it has taken over my life i feel like im in an abusive relationship with her well pretty much am my son is a good man and secure in himself and nothing he does is ever acknowledged unless of course she is posting on fb to goat me there are so many traits of this disorder present in her and she uses their daughter to emotionally destroy me and if he dont agree with her about everything i can only imagine what she does and i have heard although never have witnessed but from what im told very unhealthy and in front of baby i cant take the roller coaster im trying to be there for him but im drained please help

  13. avatar Alicia says:

    Hi, thank you so much for this video on living to the fullest. I have become a hostage to a number of things over the past few years and I recognized that pattern when you started talking about it. I have been sensing it for a while now but I couldn’t quite understand it..I think there are so many things that I am a hostage of today which wasn’t always the case. My life changed dramatically around 7 years ago when I started slowly going downhill and it has been really difficult for me to get back to my old self. I keep struggling with this. I feel innately unhappy because I have become a hostage to my past, my fears, my worries of what the world would think of me, my unsuccessful attempts at relationships, some failures in other spheres of if I have become paralysed from all that..I feel it is going to be a struggle to gain back the control over my life. Do you think it is possible? Thank you

  14. avatar Angelle says:

    I’m sleeping with my enemy. I have been with this man for nearly 5 years and I’m literally alone because of him. Besides him all I have are my two kids and my best friend who lives in Florida. I’ve tried leaving but my “family” has made it very difficult for me. I’m afraid for my life and for my kids wellbeing. This article describes our relationship from the day we met until today. And as I write this, he out and I don’t know where he is or when he’ll return. How can I help myself? What can I do to change this torture?

  15. avatar Ann says:

    I have been with my husband for 5 years now.. Our relationship started out very fast and intense.. After dating for only a few weeks he whisked me away on holiday. I have 3 children to my firstHusband. Everything was absolutely wonderful for over 2 years… He was the most amazing man and we had the most fantastic relationship and great times together.. He got on really well with my children and it was just perfect. I got married to him in December 2013… By February 2014 he seemed to change.. My children irratated him… Everything irritated him.. He squared up to my son on a number of occasions… Nearly hitting him in May 2014 when he left for the first time after only 4 months of marriage. Then he came back… Then he left me 60 miles from home with no money and took our car… I need my car for work so I had to borrow my dads for a couple of weeks.. Then he came back and gave me our car back… Declaring undying love… Then he left again, cleared everything out of the house and sold my car this time… He has left and come back more times than I can remember.. The last time only 2 weeks ago.. He also drinks a lot which makes him angry towards myself and children… I have to think through every message I send him before I send it, everything I say to him, he withdraws telephone contact, love and affection, as well as his presence, my opinions do not matter and I dare not disagree with him.. He has me doing everything whilst ‘he works so hard’ I have a very professional job and work full time also.. He moans if I take my children anywhere or pick them up… He promises to help with money for the running of the house and car but then sometimes does and then sometimes doesn’t ! I cannot describe to you how all this is making me feel. I used to be a fun outgoing, confident woman and now I feel beaten down and very tired… But the times in between which in reality probably last a week or so.. They are lovely… And I seem to grasp onto them. My family who used to love him now cannot stand him.. My friends who I hardly see anymore cannot stand him… It’s becoming impossible. I feel I should end the restionship but don’t know how to or wether I am strong enough … He just says there’s nothing wrong with our relationship.. It’s everyone around us that’s the problem…! I also feel stupid, and that I should stay with him as I feel being with him is a lesson that i have to learn … only I don’t seem to know what the lesson is!

  16. avatar Eva says:

    Yeah, I have been in such a fairly tale whirlwind romance. It started last October when Prince Charming contacted me via Facebook.
    He seemed to like the same kind of music as me ( not a big fan I discovered after some time). We chatted daily for four, five hourse sometimes. I had never ever met such a smart, witty, funny and bright conversationalist or anyone so good at creative writing before!
    Cinderella story fades away compared to his fairy tale creations sounding like a love movie script and not words from heart.
    After seeing my photos he commented, “Exactly what I imagined…”
    I was quite surprised as he made plenty of assumptions about me. When I told him I was separated and had a kennel he wrote, “Between the separation and dogs we have a lot in common!” Ehm… hallo??
    On day five he was in love with me.I became his girlfriend. On day six he proposed to me. Now I was his lovely fianceé.
    I just thought this guy must be making fun of me, we live in different parts of the world and there are 8,300 kms between us.
    He started to love bomb, shower me with his flattery, affection and attention ( “I am here for you 24/7″).He loved me more than life itself, he was so crazy in love he could not even think straight.
    When he started being more and more pushy with his ILY´s, I said I loved him back actually still taking it all as a joke.
    Well, to make a long story short : two months after meeting me online Narc jumped on a plane and arrived to move in and live with me ( and for sure to make me feel grateful, obliged and indebted to him for this incredible self sacrifice forever).
    Instead of a warm, caring and loving Prince Charming I suddenly had an iddiferent, uncaring, disrespectful and bossy frog at home.
    In just a couple of days he tested all his lovely abusive tactics on me: calling me on the carpet, giving a lecture on my behaviour ended with a threat, ” I have only come here for you! if you don´t like it, I can walk out to a hostel.” The silent treatment after not complying with his wish. Narc spent the whole evening watching movies in a language he could not understand. I ignored him.
    After presenting me his best behaviour and skills for three subsequent days after arriving when Narc did the shopping, cooked lunch, took the dogs out, fed them, did some cleaning and even fixed some broken shelves while I was at work, on day four I found him lying on the sofa and he announced me he had not done anything. “Fine, no problem, I will take the dogs out and feed them,” I said thinking ” Oh my Gosh… instead of an equal partner and a helping hand I have a spoilt teenager at home!”
    In a few days he started criticizing things – my flat ( small, cold), the city ( boring, all houses look the same), my lifestyle ( music consumes me – he had only come here for me, but I was not willing to make any changes in my life or sacrifices in the sake of our relationship!. In bed I was too quiet and did not talk dirty to him.
    Luckily, on day nine we had an argument, he grabbed his bag and walked out to a hostel. A week later he tried to hoover me – he emailed me from the hostel saying he was leaving back to Canada. A very, very sad and pitiful mail to make me feel sorry he was leaving and take him back home. I did not, and he flew off to Toronto to stay with his younger son.
    His ex-wife later told me he had no money, lived pension to pension; he did not know how to manage money. One day he had it, the next day it was gone. He was in bankruptcy for the fifth time in his life. Prior to coming here he was living in a small car for 4 months and moving out from her he had got rid of all his stuff – he only had a few items of clothing, a toothbrush and an old towel in the bag he had brought with him. His only WORLDLY possessions.
    She had no idea how she had put up with him for 30 years.She was very happy and proud of me for having a much stronger sense of self-awareness than she had…
    Want some fun? okay, here you are: in a few days of our correspondence Narc wanted me to get pregnant and have a baby with him. He : a 70 yo man with erectile dysfunction and vasectomy performed many years back. Me: a woman of 53 after menopausa. Bur we are going to have baby, he will work hard on it!!
    Funny? No, totally outlandish, crazy and ridiculous!
    This guy was an absolute nutjob, living in childish fantasy world. I think his fantasies mixed up with the reality into a weird bled of outlandish ideas which he believed and took for granted.
    I was lucky I had not fallen for him as hard as he had probably imagined. Anyway, a lesson learned. If something sounds too good to be true, it is not true, for sure!

  17. avatar Sue says:

    I got out of a DV marriage. Still trying to figure out the diagnositc personality disorders of ppl who turn violent bcuz of needing to be in control. Can you give any insight on that ?

  18. avatar Nancy says:

    I’ve been dating this guy for two years. At first everything was great it was like we were made for each other. One yr into the relationship he started hitting me. The first time he hit me was after he brought me an expensive Valentine days gift for our first Valentine’s together. Then it would be everytime I was wrong or looked or spoke to another guy he would slap me. It was like on and off Dr. Jekly Mr. Hyde type of personality. Then he started emotionaly abusing me and he even cheated on me once. I never had the power to leave because I know how good he can be when he’s in a good mood. Recently he says his feelings for me have changed he doesn’t tell me he loves me anymore and he says he’s not my man but he still controls everything I do and say and what I wear and I’m not allowed to go out with other men or anything of the sort. It’s just really confusing and emotionally torturing my soul. But I don’t have the will power to leave because he’s all I have besides my daughter and he’s like a dad to her and I would feel so awful taking another dad away from her


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