Love is Being Present

Love as being present is the topic of my post today. I have had many opportunities to explore  the meaning of love with my friends and patients, throughout the years.  While people have much to say about how they fell in love, when the troubles began, and why they can’t live without their lover, they often have trouble explaining how they know that they love. Responses to this question are quite interesting. At first, people are caught off guard. They look at me, like a deer caught in headlights.

“Hum, that’s a good question” is the first thing they usually say. Then, they start to list the things that they do to show love.  “I give support and take care of her when she’s sick. I care about what makes him happy. I want the best for him. I make sacrifices for her.  I’m faithful. I support him or her financially.”

It’s true that these actions show love. But, there’s a difference between carrying out the deeds of love and authentic expressions of love that come simply from being, being fully present to your loved one, so you see who he or she is truly.

There’s nothing better than an example to show you what I mean. My husband was out in our garden feeding our roses. It was a January summer-type day in southern California. He said, “I don’t want to feed them too much. It may trick them into thinking it is spring. They may come out too soon and die.”

For whatever reason, not enough coffee yet or time of day, my mind was yet clear of the daily clutter that would soon fill it. I was fully present. I wasn’t thinking; I was being. The wisdom of the moment spoke intuitively to me. An image arose in my mind of Sal as a young boy in the Hell’s kitchen area of New York City. He had to be quite clever to escape the bullies in his neighborhood who liked to pick on him. This area of the city was gang-ridden. It’s a tough neighborhood for any person, but especially for my husband who is of slight build and who also believes that mind not muscle is the way to solve problems. My husband survived by knowing when to lay low until the bullies were gone and changing daily the routes that he took to school.

I intuited that this moment was so much more than just feeding the roses. I had such love and compassion for him at that moment. It was nothing that I did except to be in such a way that love could enter freely into the moment through right perception. I experienced fully what he must have gone through.

If I wasn’t fully there, experiencing the moment authentically, I might have missed the significance, the truth of the moment.

Love as being present is a state of active, open attention on the present moment. You observe without judging. Whatever arises in you then comes from an intuitive wisdom rather than reasoned understanding.

If, for example, I had reasoned my husband’s comment about the roses, I might have thought that’s a good thing to do and never thought about it again. Nothing remarkable about the moment. On the other hand, if I considered Sal to be withholding, I might have thought, “You see, he is depriving the roses, like he deprives me”.  Reasoned understandings can produce more unfavorable judgments, if there’s enough history of conflict between you and your loved one.

No matter how I made sense of his comment, if I wasn’t just being there, I would have missed the chance to use the moment to connect compassionately to him. When you intuit what’s happening in the moment by your gut, rather than your mind, your understanding is wide-ranging, deep and compassionate.

Paying attention without judgment is vital to loving.  You are not denying experience, you are seeing what is really there. Through right perception, love grows, because it deepens.

Making sense of what is happening to us is a good thing and has its place in love and life. My article today is more about putting words to love that comes from just being, so you can start to bring more of it into your life.

The next time your lover says or does something that triggers negative thinking in you, practice suspending judgment. Put aside whatever story line enters your mind.  Observe what it feels like to let go of predefined ideas and story lines that define what’s happening to you. It’s uncomfortable at first. It’s not easy to do, especially if the significance of what you see and hear means something bad to you. Try it, nonetheless. If you stop scripting experience, new things can happen.

If you have some experience that you’d like to share with us, please do so by commenting. Also, if you like my article today, please say so by selecting the Like icon that follows this post.



15 Responses to “Love is Being Present”

  1. Thx for this great information that you are sharing with us!!!

    • avatar drdeborahkhoshaba says:

      You are very welcome. Thank you for visiting my site. I see you read many of the articles. I’m glad you enjoyed and hope you come back to v isit. Deborah!

  2. avatar Rose Breeze says:

    An amazingly awesome thing….. “I experienced fully what he must have gone through.” this is it… to feel the feel of other proves us to be human… a living…. a living being…
    ” Paying attention without judgment is vital to loving.”
    is what we need to understand … and you writings are giving way to unnoticed points, which though really are important.
    wishing you a lovely life <3

    • avatar Dr. Deborah Khoshaba says:

      Hello dear Rose. First, thank you for your wonderful support and friendship. I’m so glad that you like PIEL (and, me too :). I’m glad what I say on love here as being present speaks to your whole being. You are so right: paying attention without judging is vital to loving and sometimes sooo hard for us to do. Your kind words touch me. Wishing you the very best in life and for all that inspires, grows and is lovely for you. Warmly Deborah.

  3. avatar Zerevan M Xalid says:

    There are many kinds of love through which people express their feelings in connection to one another. The love may be between someone(who has deep-seated faith in God) and God, it may also be experienced by a couple, or two people may share love with each other as intimates in God, or the one who loves his/her parents, etc. This is the fact that should be respected by everyone and everyone should have some sort of love in question so that they can embody the true way of living with one another and be in full harmony. Thank you no end for your perpetual efforts in dedicating your time, intellect and wisdom to us so that we can choose what is the most convenient way of living and eradicate impediments and difficulties we face daily. Best regards, Zerevan, your most loyal friend.^_^

  4. avatar Zeeshan Awan says:

    It was good stuff to read on 14th Fab about a secret, which is difficult to understand in its true spirit. These articles so many time helped me to understand the base of something, Today your words “If you stop scripting experience, new things can happen” are remarkable. Thanks for writing and sharing these type of informative content about an important subject of human lives.

    • avatar Dr. Deborah Khoshaba says:

      Hello Zesha. Thank you show much for your words. I’m so glad that this article and others help you to understand better. These words speak to you because you already are prepared to hear and understand them. I’m very appreciative of your support and friendship Zeeshan. Thank you. Warmly Deborah.

  5. avatar Afeerah says:

    This topic is really informative,you gave us a knowledge regarding love is amazing

    • avatar Dr. Deborah Khoshaba says:

      Thank you Afeerah. Love is, indeed, a mysterious phenomenon. I’m pleased that what I say here has opened the way for a new way of thinking about it. Good to see you here today. Warmly Deborah.

  6. avatar rida says:

    how can we get out of this feeling….??

    • avatar Dr. Deborah Khoshaba says:

      Hello Rida, welcome. I think you are asking–how can we get more of this feeling of being present. We can practice by not always rushing to define, label, and consider others’ actions through what we think we already know about them, through our bias and prejudices–just see the moment with a child’s eyes, with wonder. See what is in the moment, without what you already know–and it’s amazing what we can SEE and HEAR, by being present.

      Rida, I have an article on Becoming Mindful. Perhaps you already have read it. If not, take a look, it speaks to the practice of being present to the moment. Warmly Deborah.

  7. avatar osama says:

    this is beautiful. ive been thinking along these lines these days..
    has brough great change.
    reading your article has given me even more hope..

    • avatar Dr. Deborah Khoshaba says:

      Hello Osama, thank you so much. I’m sure you have been thinking about love along these lines because you could not see the worth to the idea of love being present unless you were already awakened to its meaning in you. I’m glad you feel more hopeful. Keep the faith and hope. The right person is there for us, even if it takes some searching to find him or her. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts with me. Warmly Deborah.

  8. avatar Zahid Hussain Mirani says:

    Nicely defined . Its a mirror like to go through the article indeed and clear sketch.

    • avatar Dr. Deborah Khoshaba says:

      Hello Zahid, thank you. Actually, this is one of my favorite articles because of the topic of love and being present to it in our lives. I’m so glad that you find it to be a clear sketch of the ideas. Warm regards to you. Deborah.


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