No More Romance, No More Magic? A Fantasy Bond May Be Why.

If your romantic relationship has lost its magic, it may be due more to the emotional dynamics that brought you together, than to a stressful lifestyle that now makes you two passing ships in the night. From the get go, you and your mate may have forged what Psychologist Robert Firestone calls a  fantasy relationship bond.

The fantasy relationship bond is a romantic partnership that is based upon preserving the emotional distance of both partners rather than deepening the relationship connection. Two people come together with the main relationship agenda of self-protection. Of course, this agenda is most likely outside of their awareness.  Fantasy bonds allow people to have a haven from loneliness while, at the same time, gives them the distance they need to feel emotionally safe when relating.

On the surface, the fantasy-bond looks and acts like the bond that other couples create. The involved persons form a partnership, share a home together, may marry and have children, and carry out the usual activities of a couple’s life. They are going through the normal stages of developing a relationship, but one thing distinguishes the emotional development of those who are prone to a fantasy bond relationship.

They have not fully separated into unique, self-determined personalities from their parents. Hence, they are still emotionally tied to their parents’ needs and wishes, and their dramas.

The tendency then is to pick a mate whose emotional features resemble the attachment you have to your parents, and vice verse.  You work out these issues through each other. This is a situation ripe for misunderstanding, hurt, dwindling romance and sexual desire, and eventual breakup, especially when you or your partner no longer has a need for acting out these issues.

If you see yourself here, don’t get scared. Most partnerships fall somewhere in between a fantasy and authentic relationship bond. However, the more individuated you and your partner are, the better chance for a loving and romantic relationship that lasts.

Individuation is the term psychology uses to describe a level of emotional development that is characterized by self-determined values, beliefs, needs and desires.

This may include or exclude parental wishes and dictates. What matters here is that it is you who has determined how you want to live your life. Moreover, the more individuated you and your partner are, the less hidden emotional agendas between you. What you see is what you get. You say you want closeness, and in fact, you really do. There are no mixed messages nor confusion about who you are or what you need and want. The spark in the relationship remains, because the attraction from the start is based on two individuated people who see each other clearly. Here, romance doesn’t fade or go away, it simply changes and deepens along with relationship connection.

What Is The Moral To This Romance Story?

Lover know thyself! Romance and sexual desire do not have to fade or go away. If there’s enough real relating between the two of you, and this often is the case, both you and your partner will have the interest and energy to keep the romance in the relationship alive.

If you liked my post today, please say so by selecting the Like icon that immediately follows. Thanks for stopping by. I welcome your thoughts and comments. Warm regards, Deborah.

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