Once a psychiatric diagnostic label becomes part of our everyday language, it often loses specificity in meaning. Passive-aggression, like narcissism is one of these labels. One of the main misuses of this specific psychiatric label is attributing all communications meant to veil aggressive thoughts and feelings as passive-aggressive. Take for example, “You look so much better than you did yesterday.” Indeed, this statement’s insult to how you looked yesterday speaks more strongly than its compliment. At least, some people would agree with me, here. But still, it is not a real example of how passive-aggressive personalities express their hostility. We often mistake left-handed compliments, and the like, as a sign of passive-aggressive behavior. It’s understandable why you’d make this mistake, although it is wrong.
Veiled aggression, like backhanded compliments are not really hallmarks of the true passive-aggressive personality disorder. Rather, passive-aggressive behavior is subtler, harder to pinpoint, and thus more confusing to its recipient. Just ask people who live with passive-aggressive partners. By the time they get to therapy, they have had their fill of their partner’s behaviors that are meant to frustrate and impede their way.
Is It Just Plain Hostility That Drives Them?
Acting-out hostility toward others is not the main goal of passive-aggressive behavior. Although, if you’re on the receiving end of this type of behavior, it certainly can feel this way.
It’s fear rather than hostility alone that drives passive-aggressive behavior. Passive-aggressive people are fearful of being controlled by other people and of having their vulnerabilities exposed. They’ve learned to frustrate and obstruct people’s way, to get them to act out the frustration and anger that they themselves feel, but are fearful of expressing.
A passive-aggressive behavior pattern is learned in childhood. The parents of passive-aggressive adults raised their children to be agreeable, polite, and willing to submerge their needs, thoughts, and feelings for the sake of cooperation. They viewed disagreement, conflict, and an open expression of needs and differences as impolite, disruptive, demanding, and at the extreme, out of control and crazy. Many of these parents were stressed and physically or emotionally incapable of dealing with their children’s needs. There may have been a family member who was labeled as “crazy” or “damaged”, which made them fearful of emotional expression. Or, perhaps, they are immigrants who over-valued agreeableness over a full-range of self-expression in their children, so that they are accepted into the new culture. Or, maybe their efforts to hide a family secret, like alcoholism, gambling, sexual abuse, or mental-illness makes them afraid to let their children speak their truth. Whichever is the circumstance, the children learn to submerge their true needs, thoughts, and feelings to get people’s approval.
Passive-aggressive people are not just hostile jerks who don’t have enough back bone to express their anger directly, rather, they are angry at being controlled; at not being allowed to speak their truth. Relationships that involve dependency, intimacy, and control are most apt to activate their passive-aggression, as they stimulate fears and behaviors from the past. Thus, coworkers, supervisors, friends, and especially spouses, beware; you are at risk for becoming the passive-aggressive person’s dancing partner, where he or she maneuvers you into acting out unbridled self-expression of which they can disapprove, reject, and withdraw from you as their parents once did.
An Act of Passive-Aggression Isn’t Complete Until You Fulfill It
You are most apt to be pulled into the dance of passive-aggression, when you least expect it. You may feel like you are being snared into a web of conflicted communications and interactions. Before you realize what is happening, you are caught up in a drama in which your passive-aggressive partner has cast you as the unreasonable, out-of-control, emotionally-volatile partner. The following are some of the dramas the passive-aggressive person maneuvers people into.
- Procrastination: Passive-aggressive people obstruct you to control and get a rise out of you; procrastination is the way they do this. You can tell them till you are blue in the face what you need and want from them, and still, there will be a reason why they didn’t or couldn’t follow through. To get around this problem, you say to yourself, “I’ll give him or her a deadline or a schedule,” right? No. You’ve just given them something concrete that they can deny you. Moreover, you’ve set yourself up to act-out their anger for them. Yes, one of the hallmarks of passive-aggressive behavior is getting you to act-out their needs, wishes, and emotions that they cannot do for themselves. Recommendation: Do not give them schedules and deadlines. Let them decide when and how things should get done. Take away opportunities for them to control you through their inaction. I know this isn’t easy. You will have to choose your wars carefully, so to speak, so that you don’t end up handling all of the relationship matters. He may feel punished by you, but you are really giving him a chance to take responsibility for his behavior. If you want a dependable mate, you have to stop taking responsibility for his problems.
- Forgetfulness: Forgetfulness is another way that they control and get a rise out of you. Forgetting isn’t a personal weakness, they say to themselves. True, everyone forgets things at times, although, it’s more than a pastime for passive-aggressive people. Forgetting to pay the bill, remembering your birthday, or sending the taxes in on time is simply a result of something that happened to them, like too much stress, or feeling ill. Nonetheless, overtime, you will increasingly distrust your partner’s ability to follow through on things, so that you take on a lot of the living responsibilities. Recommendation: You most likely won’t believe that I’m going to tell you this, but here it goes. You yourself fulfill these daily responsibilities. You’ll relieve yourself from a lot of stress. At the least, do this until your partner gets enough therapy to change.
- Losing Things: Finally, losing things is another way to frustrate, control, and to get a rise out of you. These personalities constantly lose things. Rather than admit to this tendency in them, they tend to blame others for the loss. You moved it or distracted them. Blaming you is a way to get you to solve their problems but also a way to act aggressive toward their dependency upon you. You most likely are baffled right now by the complexity of their actions. Imagine what it’s like living with such persons. You have to be on your best game, so to speak, to cope with them. Recommendation: Above all else, do not accept blame for this tendency in them and do not engage in conflicted banter around it. Simply, let them know that you hope they find what they lost. And, go on to whatever it is that you were doing.
- Blaming You and Playing the Victim: Passive-aggressive people do not want to recognize their faults or take responsibility for their behavior. They want to blame you. If you confront them about failing to do something, and even worse, if you do it with anger or emotional intensity, they will call you out-of-control, angry, crazy, or difficult and demanding, as they love to play the victim. Getting you to feel guilty is a passive expression of their aggression. Recommendation: Blaming them is like calling them impolite, disagreeable, recalcitrant, and out-of-control, like their parents did to them when they were children. As hard as this is, you must resist letting them maneuver you into guilt or extreme emotions and actions in response to their passive-aggression.
- Rejecting and Withdrawing From You: If they cannot easily pull you into their passive-aggressive dance, they will reject and withdraw from you to make you feel insecurely attached to them. Remember, they had to act compliant and non-confronting to secure their parents love and approval. This is what they want from you. If you haven’t acted accordingly, they will give you the silent treatment, so that you feel as insecurely attached to them, as they once did to their parents. Recommendation: Be mindful of your insecurities from your own past. Passive-aggressive people usually partner-up with people who felt rejected by one or both parents in their own childhood. Recognize that your partner’s silent treatment is stimulating insecurities from the past; don’t act these insecurities out. Own these feelings, contain them, and let them go.
Thus, above all else, do not become the passive-aggressive person’s dancing partner. This is the only way that you will get them to take responsibility for their problems and seek the therapy they need to cope healthily with their fears. Remember, they fear dependency and intimacy and will maneuver you into fulfilling their deepest fears. They need you to act irrational, angry, out-of-control, and emotionally intense, to keep the dance going and to detach enough from you to feel emotionally safe.
On your part, it takes a lot of insight and effort to resist being pulled into the dance of passive-aggression with your partner. But, this is what you have to do to continue a relationship with them. If you are getting the impression that you are the one who will have to change the most to have a less conflicted relationship with them, for the most part, you are right. You have to decide if you value the relationship and history between you enough to know if the relationship is worth continuing. I find that many couples find this is the case. Passive-aggressive personalities are difficult to live with, but they are also fine, likable people. Truly, I cannot think of one passive-aggressive patient who I didn’t really like. In fact, I liked them very much, especially, because I understood their motivations and fears. For the most part, they are fearful, rather than hostile jerks.
From the face of things, it’s you, rather than your passive-aggressive partner, who seems demanding, unreasonable, and difficult with which to live. It is because you have gotten into the dance of acting out your partner’s anger for him or her, rather than something that is true about you. You can find happiness living with a passive-aggressive person; you will just have to dedicate yourself to learning how to be mindful in the relationship so that you know what is your emotional baggage versus what is his or hers’.
Remember, we choose psychologically what we need, rather than what we want. So, there’s a reason why you chose a passive-aggressive personality with which to share your life. Most people who are attracted to passive-aggressive mates have been very wounded in the past and are used to taking responsibility for others’ problems and pain. For you, your passive-aggressive mate may be the parent from your past who rejected you or put you into the role of having to parent yourself. The anger you feel toward your mate is the anger you feel toward your own parent(s) for not being emotionally supportive of you. The partners of passive-aggressive people usually have a past similar to their partners. But, they coped with it by becoming emotionally-expressive, take-charge people.
Tips for Therapy
- As the partner to a passive-aggressive mate, you will have to watch that you don’t get an unskilled therapist who doesn’t fully understand your hurt, pain, and anger. You are very wounded, and most likely at your wit’s end with regard to the relationship. It does not feel good to be at the receiving end of passive-aggression. Find a therapist who understands and has empathy for you and your mate and does not divide you both up into the good and bad partners. As strange as this sounds, it does happen, especially, if your therapist has unresolved issues him or herself with passive-aggressive tendencies.
- Additionally, your therapist should provide the right therapy environment for lowering of defenses enough, so that he or she can intervene in the pattern of passive-aggressive behavior. Remember, all of our behavior patterns get stored as a fight-or-flight response to stress in the brain’s deepest structures. Your therapist has to convey on many levels comfort, to lower the defenses of the passive-aggressive person. Only then, can therapy help to loosen the nerve and motor wiring around this deeply ingrained personality pattern. Therapist attributes should include being mindfully present to him/herself, and to the needs of each partner, trustworthy, knowledgeable, on the sides of both partners, and the relationship as a whole, assertive and able to take control of the therapy, and a warm way of engaging that disarms aggression.
- Therapists who have a very good knowledge of both the psychodynamic talk and couples and marital therapies are best with a passive-aggressive relationship dynamic. And, needless to say, given the nature of the problem, assertive therapists who are very capable of structuring the therapy are better here than ones who solely reflect and let the therapy go wherever it wants. More assertive therapists are willing to disrupt arguments and promote healthier interactions.
I hope today’s post helped you to understand passive-aggression better. Take what you need, from this post and others, to gain insight into yourself and loved ones, to make better living choices, and to live the best life possible. This is what I hope for you.
If you liked my post today, please say so by selecting the Like icon below. Please feel free to share your comments and wisdom with us about today’s topic matter. Warm regards, Deborah.
Thank you, Deborah! This was a very informative and helpful article.
Deborah you are realy a great bahavioural scientist.
Thank you so much for the compliment. And, thanks for visiting again and finding things you value in my posts. Have a wonderful day. Warmly, Deborah.
Thanks Deb – as you know you could have been writing about us! Thanks again for everything you do for my family. I feel so fortunate having you in our lives! What a blessing!
You are welcome Karen. Much love to all of you. Deb~
Dear Deborah, thank you for this excellent article. Not only you are so extremely insightful, which not all specialists are, you are also deeply human! Specialists know a lot of things, good specialists know to do the best associations in their knowledge. Thank you so much from Germany, Annie
Hello Annie, I am touched by your words. Thank you. I’m so glad you found this article insightful and helpful. Your words into what makes a good specialist tells me you are a good therapist, yourself, or you are a natural specialist of human nature. Again, I’m touched by your words. They mean a lot to me, especially that you know how much I love to help people.
Annie, from Germany, please come by again. I am always posting articles and videos on new topics for you and others. I hope all is well with you. Warmly, Deborah.
Could you give more specific advice on dealing with avoidance? I’ve read a LOT about PA behaviour in the mast month. It’s always the same – diagnosing the situation.
My partner was up until 3am last night playing video games. Up after noon today. I cleaned the house around him. He’s played 3 hours today. How does owning my feelings help with this situation? He is 100% checked out. Should I continue to live around him? It makes me so angry I want to scream at him or at least say snarky things to him. Am I supposed to blithely, sweetly live around someone so detached until they are good and ready to come out and be human? I’ve told him how his absence makes me feel. I’ve asked for limits on his gaming/sleeping and other absences. No change. My only other option is to shut him out, cut him off – live around him like he isn’t there – because screaming isn’t a useful option.
A lot of PA advice runs as follows: present consequences for his actions. What consequence do I resent to him regarding his failure to get me a Christmas gift? (He “forgot” and it is “coming” on Jan 10) Seems like the only real consequence is – you can’t seem to take anything but your needs seriously – so I’d like to get out of this relationship.
Concrete suggestions (beyond – sit him down and explain to him etc etc – been there) warmly welcomed.
You ask some very good and poignant questions. I do understand your frustration, Emily. The very hard thing about the situation, as you describe it here, is that he gives you no option. He’s not in the relationship from what you describe here. And, if he won’t get help, what can you do? There are no tricks or interventions for someone who behaves as you describe here. Even the best therapists cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. Of course, you are not supposed to sweetly go around him. That is not my point. My point is that yelling, giving him mandates, or whatever it is that you have don so far hasn’t worked too well. Am I right about this?
I’ve treated people throughout the years in similar circumstances. What I find, often, is that the non-PA mate doesn’t want to leave the relationship but also doesn’t want to face that there’s nothing to be done if the PA mate makes no effort to change. I know you must be frustrated beyond words Emily. And I would love to be able to give you concrete suggestions here — but the only person, from what you say here, who is amenable to suggestion is YOU. May I suggest that you talk to someone professionally to explore your options, if you haven’t so far?
Thank you for your comments. Warm regards to you Deborah.
I’ve been marries to a PA man for 22 years. Throughout my marriage, I have always been made to feel like it was ” my fault” for any argument. I was made to look like a demanding, unhappy wife. I usually could n’t understand as I never asked help with the kids or around the house. I didn’t yell or nag, but was told I always did. I never could post a to do list. I am now at a breaking point, but feel so trapped. Years of hurt has built up as we can’t discuss issues. Financially, we are in a bad place. It’s so bad that I think I’d sometimes rather die than continue in the constant emotional pain!
Dear Liz, I wish for you this coming 2013, peace. I understand what you are saying here. You are right, many of the spouses of passive-aggressive people are made to feel as if the problem is them. I hope that 2013 brings you a resolution. Have courage to do what you need to do to regain your faith and peace of mind. If you have not seen a therapist yet (for yourself), I suggest that you do see a person Liz. He or she will help you to articulate your suffering and desires so that you know what YOU want to do to live well once again. Happy New Year friend. I’m rooting for you Liz. Warmly Deborah.
Deborah, your article on pa is by far the best explanation that I have found and I so wish that I had this info years ago.
I have just now figured out that the emotional roller coaster that I have been on for 40 years has a name. I had no idea. It does help some that I now know why my husband acts this way and what I “should” do to not feed the monster. It isn’t easy and I am so resentful of wasting my life with this man. I know I have some blame in this because I always fell for it. Now I keep quiet and watch and listen for his “set-ups.” They are there and so obvious!!!!!! I guess I never realized a person like this ever existed little lone my husband. He was suppose to be my best friend. Huh? Where was I? I can tell he gets great joy from my reactions.
Your line:
The partners of passive-aggressive people usually have a past similar to their partners. But, they coped with it by becoming emotionally-expressive, take-charge people.
That is me…the feeder of the monster.
Don’t know what I am going to do but just wanted to let you know that your article is the best that I have found on explaining everything especially how pa could have started when we were children. Thank you!!
Hi Diane, thank you. Passive aggressive people engender so many feelings in us and responses that it is very hard to sort out what’s going on. And, often, we sort it out after there’s already been enough trauma to wear us down. Diane that you could put up with PA in your husband for 40 years speaks to your strength, but also to how much of yourself you had to submerge to just get a long with him. It is hard to stop feeding the pattern that you call monster. Indeed, it is monstrous in how much it wears down your self-esteem. Yes, listen for the set ups Diane and do not get involved. You were the feeder of the monster, because you are stronger and a care-taker. But, as you said, you don’t have to feed the monster anymore. This is your freedom.
Also, the PA person does get joy from his mate acting out his aggression and upset. Then they can say; Ah Hah! You are the bad one! And, even if the PA person doesn’t consciously feel happy because they don’t know what’s really going on–it is a relief to have someone else act out the anger that they keep inside. Thank you Diane. I’m thinking of you and wishing you well. Let 2013 be your year of personal freedom from this destructive pattern. Warmly, Deborah.
Thank you, so refreshing to see the possible problems of the recipients background (me) but whilst still assuring me that I am not going completely mad.
You are welcome CUTB. Thank you for stopping by to read this post. No, you are not going completely mad. Hope you visit again. Warmly Deborah.
This perfectly describes what I’m going through at the moment with my partner, I wish you could be our therapist! I realise now that I have to work on not allowing myself to be provoked…but it’s so difficult as I find the injustice of his remarks so hard to bear!
Hello Claire, welcome. Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry that you are going through this. It is hard on the self esteem. Even if just some of the times, you can avoid being provoked into the cycle of passive aggressive drama, it will help. Be kind too yourself, if you fail sometimes. This is easy to do as passive aggressive people know the buttons to push. You take good care Claire. Warmly Deborah.
Thank you for this so much, I really wish there was a magic pill to make him better. I’m the immigrant in HIS country a place where passivity is paramount and actively encouraged. He’s pushed me to the brink of suicide with his behaviour and I’ve only held back so far because of our child, but my caring is fading. Finding a therapist who even speaks my language well enough to help us in a society where passive aggression seems to live in the native population like blood, is probably impossible so I’m finding there’s probably no hope. You sound like the person we NEED with all of your thourough eloquent knowledge here! ! I have DID on top of all the problems so that makes coping with his horse shit even more tiring and endlessly annoying when he can use the excuse “oh was that you earlier that said/did/got mad about this or that”. ( a pretty regular excuse for him is blaming my alters or my amnesia.)
Your post was inspiring, i kmow I’m not just crazy, and there’s reasons why he acts the way he does.
Thank you for this , so much
Hello S! I know, especially with a passive-aggressive mate; a pill would surely be easier. No, you are not crazy; passive aggressive is crazy-making. I’m sorry your situation is so hard. You must feel alone in all of this. I’m sure. But, remember, you are right; there are reasons why he’s like this that have nothing to do with you S. You take good care of yourself. Warmly Deborah
This is very hard for me, but the flood gate is about to open…..
I have been married to my husband and best friend for 15 years now. We have almost 15 yr old daughter and 12 yr old son. Times are harder now than ever before. We needed to move back to my hometown after 10 years of being away- I wanted to give my husband a break from his high demand woodworking business and some time to explore his inspiration and to just mellow and continue homeschooling our children (since he is so very smart)and to connect with them ;- I went to work with my parent’s company. Hard thing for me to do- my folks are controlling, judgmental and even though I’ve been able to improve their outlook on our lifestyle, it’s still a struggle. I was a difficult child that just wanted acceptance for who I am from my parents. My spouse comes from a rough past> abuse, physical & mental > he stepped out of the situation when he was 14 to raise himself (graduated college and started a happy family). He has always been an intense person- meaning he really FEELS what he is saying and that can be misconstrued as him being a jerk. He is opinionated, interrupts constantly(which I have now begun to do). About 3 years ago he started having seizures (I think from stress) and almost a year after they began (an episode every 5 months) until 5 in one night & collapsed veins, did we decide for him to be chemically medicated with a very low dose of Keppra & he hasn’t had any more since. However, our relationship has been majorly shifted (I understand that we are ever changing/ evolving as humans) but this time NOT for good. The medication keeps him irritable and moody (pre meds he has had history of depression). I myself am a historically angry person that has worked very hard (my parents too) to help me control that anger. At this point in our marriage, I don’t know what to do… I don’t know if I am PA > if he is > my children as well. I know my parents are for certain & that within itself causes massive stress on my marriage. (they don’t really like my husband) We tend to have a better marriage when we do live in my hometown, but economically we cannot step away from the area again at this point in time. I know being here really sets my husband off very negatively. Our arguments have escalated into just awful and I have struck him when I lost control. I told him 5 years ago and then perhaps 6 more times since then that I hate him. I know this is not good to say to someone that has been abused and neglected, regected. (not a good thing to say in general) This past weekend was supposed to be a fun weekend that turned very sour even before we left. We should have called it off, but I thought camping was what we needed… and maybe it is, just not together. He was so upset the whole weekend because he kept losing things and thinking we moved them, (maybe someone in the group did- ?)…. He does this A LOT since the seizures, but also since my son has been taking things out of our personal spaces, losing them, breaking the items and then lying to avoid taking responsibility- our home security was breached from within. I keep seeing my anger in my son. I keep seeing my daughter loosing self confidence and yearning for the day she moves away from the boys in the house and is even getting sick of my imbalances ( I know she is teenage!!). This issue with husband & i & boy stealing has been really taxing on our homeschooling goals, efforts and needs. My son is “rebel without a cause”— does the opposite of what mama requests and generally disrespectful and unfocused. I don’t want to label him, but I am pretty sure he is ADHD- I myself was diagnosed ADD when I was 14, but unable to be prescribed anything due to a substance abuse problem I finally overcame and then my husband has really helped me> saved me> by helping me see I am strong enough to have self control everyday in all aspects of life.
The fight really began with an unfortunate constant miscommunication and I don’t think I am listening anymore. He criticizes me – lets me know whenever he doesn’t like what I am doing down to how I put the pillow on the couch, but then himself will do the same behavior and I’ve learned it’s not good if I say something to him just to make my point he is being a hypocrite. The substance abuse I spoke of, I think has really diminished my memory, I truly forget a lot very often to the point that my kids use that to their advantage. Which ultimately causes trouble. I insult, name call my husband when he won’t stop lecturing ME & criticizing. I know I’m not perfect, but I wish I could be good enough for him to see my goodness and beauty. I think I misconstrue his true meaning, but I know I don’t like how I have been treated within the past few years…. Then I always have to remember that he is on this medication and did have brain injury that he personally struggles with accepting and has everyday challenges. He was massively brilliant before the seizures, I’ve been raised around & with highly educated individuals, and he was pretty up there…. The seizures “really dumbed me down” he’s said and I know that really is true and he really struggles with it. He has never been a positive person and the issue of pessimism has been the end to his relationships in the past. I love this man with all my heart and do not want him to leave our home> but I think he needs some personal head space to find himself, he is scared that he absolutely doesn’t like who he is- he is scared to look inside> but has not been able to change ( I began requesting he stops the critisisims years ago and very calmly, nicely like teaching a child the same lesson of compassion & self worth). I think he and I are possibly not good for each other or our children right now. I feel like we are messing them up with our own growing up. My son tells us to go back to 2nd grade when we fight like we did… This time was because I didn’t really listen to him when he was talking about something very positive taking us to a very special spot while were camping, or forgot that was this trip, because we have others lined up for this month next week is family reunion for a week that I have had to do the planning & our arrangments:{ and so we played in the river til evening & then he mentions he wanted to bring us there but “we” decided to do something differant… “just wanted to take us there before the bullsh about to come upon us with the family & I commented that I didn’t even know what he was talking about- which upset him greatly because he apparently extensivly told me of this place> and when he was upset about not being able to find his speacial spot anymore, even using maps, he apologizes in a sad voice, and I could tell his heart ached & i gently, calmly told him it was alright, I understand he wanted to bring us, to not be so hard on himself- and meant it> a few moments later he said ” if YOU all didn’t decide to play at the river then we would have had pleanty of time”. I’m taken aback by this and say ” waaaiiit a minute… you could have simply mentioned something to us this morning- and I am sure we would have totally been into that> but I totally forgot” And then he questioned how I could possibly have forgotten he wanted to this and next thing we are nitpicking and then yelling> then I’m screaming. And I’ve totally scarred him with my name calling, yelling—screaming, and unconscious- sort of) putting him down to feel like he has made me feel, because quite frankly, I do not want to feel like I am a child to him and I have even begun questioning my self-worth. I don’t know what to do. This segment of life has gotten complicated and insecure for him and I and I am sure the kids too. We don’t have the money for therapy and both husband & I have gone through our share when we were younger ( before we knew one another) & have opinions of what we experienced that may prevent us from seeking a counselor. Yet, here I am writing in vast length what I have been wanting to say and heal for quite some time. I am just lost on what to do, which direction would be the best for us all> after this past fight he let me into the fact that 5 years ago when I first told him I hated him ( which I did at that moment- but really love him so much – I’ve told him that)) but the damage was done- after the 3rd time he warned me I cannot continue saying that to him- he will only be able to bear it so much>> yesterday when we were fighting, he told me that I broke him, really damaged him long ago with that phrase to the point he has secretly had a bag packed in case I tell him to leave, because I have a handful of times throughout the past 5 years. He’s apologized for all the pain he’s caused & thinks it best he leaves. I don’t want him to leave, I would just like to not be criticized, not be shown my faults all the time, not feel like we are walking on eggshells around him… we have to or an argument will flare up or a 2 hour lecture. My life is too much of that crap and not enough happiness > or at least I am not feeling the gratitude, appreciation or respect I really think I deserve. (I’m really a sweet gal- always thank husband for his efforts & contributions> he thinks it’s become formulated. I thank a lot. And mean it. I am thankful for so much and try so hard to have my family focus on those blessings. Not being religious ( we are struggling-Taoists) – this is a particularly challenging thing because I know all situations hold positive & negative. I want to go towards the positive, but am set off by the pessimism in my husband. I want to help him love himself, but Im not doing a good job with calling names and feeling so hurt at this point in our relationship, that I hurt him back very deeply. I want to stop that, I want to hold my tongue, but even when I bite it hard enough to taste blood, I still open my mouth and argue.
Sorry for the novel I am sending here, I am somehow finding it easier to talk to you, particularly after watching & reading some of what you are about & listening to your techniques. I just am not sure if all of us in the house are PA and then don’t know what to do to get us on the road of unity and personal healing. I don’t know if I messed it all up this past fight. I said awful, hurtful things I completely regret and simple can never take back. I see today I really have broken my man and I feel like a failure, cold hearted B, and now see that my son defiantly emulates me when angry… which is really not good. And I just worry about my daughter. She just wants peace and is always so concerned about what Dad will think about what she’s doing, down to the food she fixes from the kitchen. Please help…. I think I may type forever… I’ve got a lot to say.
Hello S. I can see how stressed you are. Stressed is an understatement right? You and your family have been going through so much stress right now that I’m not surprised by the escalation in arguments and what we call in our field regression in behavior (name calling, striking out, arguing). When a stressful situation poses new elements that we don’t know how to manage well–we don’t know how to cope with them. This is when we regress to behaviors that are in some ways like we are in “second-grade” again, as your son says.
First, your husband’s seizures are a big change in your life, as you describe well. Anti seizure medications have many side effects, as you know, one of which is to make your husband more absent minded, not recalling or remembering things well, and feeling “dumbed down” as he says. This, being around your parents again and several of you having ADHD issues as well as depression is STRESSFUL.
You know by my articles that I believe strongly that we need to treat stressful problems through a whole lifestyle approach. But, that being said, some of the problems that you mention here may require therapy and medication. I mention therapy for support and to help you to cope and problem solve. You sound sad and remorseful about the effect of your anger on your husband and family. I admire your ability to look at your contribution to the difficulties. But, as I said, you are under so much stress. I hope you are open to going to therapy. I think you need support and if you haven’t tried medication for your anger problem, this may be very helpful to you. I know you wish to be more in control of yourself. I don’t know because I’m not treating you if your mood problem can be managed through talk therapy alone of if there is a clinical biological contribution to your anger and depression. That’s why I’m recommending therapy.
You haven’t said that you want a separation. You said you think he needs time and space. So I’m unsure what you would like to do, what is good for you, your spouse and your children.
Your wisdom as to positivity and negativity being opposite poles of one phenomena is good. But, the amount of change in your life is not permitting you to respond to stresses as neither good nor bad; just is. Our biology can thwart our best efforts. S. this is what I suggest. From all you say here, it seems that the first order is to get some calm in your lives so you can problem solve. Again, I think individual or couple therapy can help all of you to assess what is needed to bring this calm about–then when everyone is thinking very clearly, you can take one problem at a time, so you can move forward.
Thank you for writing me today. Will you let me know how it goes for you (deborah@psychologyineverydaylife.net)? And, Happy Mother’s Day to you. Blessings for healing through 2013. Warmly Deborah.
As many others have posted, this article is by far the best I have read on the subject. It felt good to read something that rang true. I have been married for 14 years to one of the best Passive Aggressive’s in the business. I too wanted to die at one point and was always made to feel I was the crazy one. I had my suspicions about him because people who knew him before I married him would tell me he was PA. He’s also a “People Pleaser” and thrives on approval from others, even at the expense of his own family..it was only recently that I told him I wanted out of the relationship. It took a few months but he finally went to therapy. I saw a few changes so I took him back, but now he wants to quit therapy. We live and work in the same house. I think I need a therapist.
thanks Deborah
Hello Suz-q, reading or hearing what we have been living with can be so healing. I’m glad that this post rang true with your experience. Passive aggressive people are very good at making others believe they are the wrong ones or the one with the problem. Just to start creating a boundary between what is his stuff versus your stuff will help you very much.
Unfortunately, PA people usually have to be forced in therapy through an ultimatum, like the one you gave your husband. It’s good that you saw some behavior change in him. But, he should stick with the therapy because PA issues don’t change over night. It sounds like he went to therapy to “please” you–but he shouldn’t quit.
Many times the mates of PA people are the first to get into therapy because of their mate’s crazy making behavior. It may be helpful for you to have that support and to be able to step away from the dramas that he creates. Let me know how it all goes. Look forward to seeing you again here soon Suz-q. Warmly Deborah.
Hi Deborah,
My husband decided to stay in therapy after all. His PA explains so much since his family growing up was highly dis-functional especially his Dad who was borderline abusive and would stand over him when he was little and berate him. My husband said when this happened he would shut down and go into his own world. I asked him if he wouldn’t mind if I saw his therapist by myself to explain what I think is going on in our relationship now that I finally know for sure there is a name for a behavior. I want to do this because I don’t think he is telling he therapist the real story about me. (right now I’m the bad guy) Do you think that’s is a good idea?
Also, through some counsel of a good friend I’ve decided to stop telling him what I “think” since he get’s so defensive, and start telling him more how I “feel” about any given situation. It seems to be helping. Also I’m planning to make an appointment for myself to see my own family and marriage therapist.
Please let me know your thoughts.
Suz-q